Here’s an Abridged Version of the Trump-Zelensky Readout

The readout of the Trump-Zelensky phone call is fairly short, but I suppose it’s still possible to miss its full import. So just to make things clear, here’s an abridged version of the call. Please note that this is not a joke. It sounds like it, but it’s a legitimate, honest-to-god abridgement:

TRUMP: Congratulations.
ZELENSKY: Thank you. You were a great example to us. We’re going to drain the swamp.
TRUMP: That’s very nice. You know, we do a lot for Ukraine. Way more than those yakky Europeans.
ZELENSKY: Yes indeed. I especially want to thank you for your support in the area of defense. We are ready to buy more weapons from you.
TRUMP: I would like you to do us a favor though. Please look into the DNC server hack. Our attorney general will be calling you about that.
ZELENSKY: Sure, sure, anything for you. I’m appointing a new ambassador so we can continue our strategic partnership.
TRUMP: That’s great. I’d also like you to investigate Joe Biden’s son. Rudy Giuliani and our attorney general will be calling you about that.
ZELENSKY: No problem. The next prosecutor general will be 100 percent my candidate. He or she will look into this.
TRUMP: Great. I’ll have Giuliani and Barr call you. Your economy is going to get better and better, I predict.
ZELENSKY: The last time I was in New York I stayed at the Trump Tower. We’ll be very serious about that investigation of Biden’s son.
TRUMP: Good. Giuliani and Barr will call you.

No quid pro quo? Please. Save that fairy tale for the children.